Fat Steve's Blatherings

Friday, April 15, 2005

Secret Message Intercepted

      No comment necessary.

College of Cardinals
St. Peter’s Basilica
Vatican City


Dear Cardinals,

      I am going to suggest something to you, and I know that your first impulse is going to be to say no.  But I want you to put aside your natural skepticism and your instant resistance to new ideas --- something I’m hoping to change!  But I’m getting ahead of myself!  --- and keep your minds open.

      As you know, I’ve been out of office since January 2001.  And in that time, I’ve had some joy (wrote a book; lost some weight) and some tears (9/11; tsunami; bypass), but I’ll be honest: I’ve been searching for something . . . something new and challenging and different to do with myself for the next 20 or so years.  What I’m looking for isn’t just another job.  Another election.  Another rope line.  Blah blah blah.

      Been there, done that.

      What I’m looking for is a new calling.  A new mission.  Something I can really sink my teeth into.

      And what are you looking for?  I think I know what you’re looking for: dynamism, popularity, a proven affinity for the peoples of the Third World, youthful exuberance, the ability to talk about religious themes without making people go “Oy!” --- that’s the profile of the next pope, isn’t it?  And if it isn’t, shouldn’t it be?

      Gentlemen --- and you are all gentlemen (for now!  But I’m getting ahead of myself again!) --- I know that when you think of the words “Supreme Pontiff” you don’t automatically think of “Bill Clinton,” but I want you to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and just let the words “Pope Bill I” sound in your ears.

      Talk about redemption!  Talk about Christ’s everlasting love!  Talk about the transforming power of God’s light!  Pope Bill I would be a shining beacon, an example, an apotheosis, if you will, of the power and majesty of the Church.

      Couple of bumps.  One, I’m not a Roman Catholic.  This isn’t such a major thing, really, and it can be easily dealt with in a huge --- and I mean huge --- conversion to the Catholicism dealie that we broadcast worldwide.  Did you know that when I had my bypass surgery recently, the number of bypasses performed in the United States skyrocketed?  What do you think will happen when the world watches me convert to the One True Apostolic Faith?

      Two, the celibacy issue.  What can I say here that will make you feel okay about all of this?  That will get us both to a certain comfort level?  Let me say this: I get it.  I really really do get it.  As the Vicar of Christ, I’ll need to be totally --- and I mean totally 110 percent no exceptions no loopholes no wiggle room absolutely positively totally --- discreet, and on that you have my word of honor, and if you want Lanny or one of my guys to draw up some papers and have it all written out in legalese, okay, fine, we’ll do it --- that’s just how much I want this --- but it won’t change the commitment in my heart and soul to the whole thing.  If you want me, you’ve got me.

      Three, I’m (very technically) married.  But you know what?  I’m not sure that’s such a big deal these days.  And it’s something that can be dealt with very easily (weird thought: If all goes according to plan, I could annul my own marriage!  A first for any pope!) and with a minimum of fuss.  It can be done before the tabloids get a hold of it.  We would need to work fast on this, of course, and I’d have to do some talking to my better half, but I think we’re at a place in our lives when we’re both willing to think “outside the box,” as it were.  In fact, this whole thing was sort of her idea in the first place.  I’ll cc you guys on her e-mail.

      So when you add it all up --- your needs; my needs; your challenges; my proven skills as a fundraiser and communicator --- it only seems crazy for a moment or two.  The more you think about it, the more it just makes sense.  It’s win-win.

      Talk it over with the guys.  I’m flying to Rome tonight.  I’ll be at the Hotel de Russie.  My cell works over there.  The next step is yours to take.

      Looking forward to the white smoke!


      Bill Clinton

      P.S.: And I love love love pasta!  Talk about a perfect fit!

      The above is from National Review on Dead Trees.  I subscribe, so I figured I'd bend copyright a little, but I request that you do NOT reprint it.  Of course, sending people the URL works.  ;-D



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